It Got Lost in the Mail
by MeDeA1
Summary: A compelling story bound to glue your face to your computer screen (involves pie, crabs, and shiny objects) **for more, read the sequel: I Think it's Still Lost, co-written with Miracle, the author of Vimh!**


It Got Lost in the Mail  
  
By (me!!) Medea  
  
AN: Hi everybody!! Thanks for clicking on my story, I really appreciate it! Ok, well anyways, this is my first fic! I've had my ff.net account open for SOOOO long, about a year now I think, but I've been too lazy to actually write something. A special thank you to Miracle and SuperHPgirl who both inspired me to get off my lazy butt and start writing!  
  
Also, one last thought. As this is my first fic, it would be really nice if you wonderful people out there would not flame me. I do make a lot of typos, and I'll admit my ideas are a bit stupid, but hey, it's a start!! Review kindly and I'll get better! Doesn't it just make you all warm and fuzzy inside knowing you've helped someone? (  
  
Warning: This story is definitely not for anyone without a sense of humor. If this applies to you, I suggest you not go any further, as you may be offended or mentally scarred for life. (  
  
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It got lost in the mail. That's all I can say. I didn't know it would get lost. I mean, I'm not sikeik- no psicic- no- I got it this time- psychic or anything. I just sent a letter in the mail and it got lost. Yeah, that's all. It got lost. IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!!!!!!!!! It's the STUPID OWL'S FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, I'm completely innocent. I swear. I am. Please believe me. I-  
  
Medea: Miracle, shutup. This is my story.  
  
Miracle: I know. I'm just helping you.  
  
Medea: Yeah, um. Miracle, when I said you could have a little, small part, I didn't mean you could write my whole story.  
  
Miracle: I wasn't writing your whole story. I was just writing part of it for you. To get you started.  
  
Medea: *crosses arms* Uh-huh.  
  
Miracle: Really!  
  
Medea: Uh-huh.  
  
Miracle: Me am leaving now. BYE!  
  
Medea: That was SOOO pointless.anyways, here's the real story.  
  
  
  
I always knew I had been special. I've felt it all my life. I can't quite explain how.but it's just always been there, people have always been denying me. They deny that I'm smarter than them. Prettier than them. More magical than them-  
  
Miracle: Um. I have to interrupt.  
  
Medea: You! I thought you were gone! Get outta my story, Miracle!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Miracle: Out of.  
  
Medea: What?  
  
Miracle: Get out of my story.  
  
Medea: It's not your story. It's mine. And I'm telling you to get out of it.  
  
Miracle: Never mind. Anyway, I have a couple of problems with your story.  
  
Medea: What are you? A critic?  
  
Miracle: No, I'm just saying that you could use a few grammar lessons and erm. a better vocabulary.  
  
Medea: A better vocabulary?  
  
Miracle: Yeah. If you look up the word magical, you'll find out that you're not it. Neither are you humble and we can all see who the prettier one is here. *flings hair*  
  
Medea: *arms cross again* Who? *looks Miracle up and down and says it with a bit of an attitude* You can't mean you?  
  
Miracle: *sigh* Never mind. I've gotta go. I'm.*looks at Medea up and down * too busy.  
  
Medea: Doing what? Getting a manicure? Or maybe you'll daydream more about going to Hogwarts?  
  
Miracle: Writing my fanfic, though it's not your business.  
  
Medea: Good. Keep writing your fanfic and don't write MINE!!!  
  
Miracle: OK, will. I just suggest you stop with the egotistical thing. *disappears*  
  
Medea: Me? Egotistical? I'm not egotistical. Am I egotistical?  
  
Mouse: Um. yeah.  
  
Medea: Hey! You're a mouse!  
  
Mouse: Your point is?  
  
Medea: Ugh! Anyway, onto my story.  
  
As I rode the Hogwarts Express, it felt as if my life were some unreal dream.and then I woke up.it really was a dream. There was a giant ant and everything. But in this story, it was reality. Not a dream, with the exception of the giant ant, which I named Alex, 'cause its cute to name animals that start with the letter A, a name that starts with the letter A. Ya know.like.um.Tilly the Turtle! Or, Herman the Human! Aren't those just adorable! Anyway, back to the story.  
  
I rode the train to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry with no one but myself, and maybe Chester Cheetah, who was on that empty bag of Cheetos I had left in my pocket the other day, but other than that, no one else. See, my Hogwarts acceptance letter had gotten lost in the mail, and I finally got it.right in the middle of term. After finding out that my parents were really dead, and that my lightning shaped scar on my forehead was there because I kicked Voldemort's butt, (not because of that lame story about the house catching on fire my "parents" the Smursleys told me.) and..and. (yes, and.) that I was really famous and have a lot of money, and all these people wanna be my friend because they love me-  
  
Miracle: People actually want to be your friend Medea? And what lightning shaped scar on your forehead?  
  
Medea: *takes out marker and draws scar on forehead* That scar!  
  
Miracle: *rolls eyes* Uh-huh.yeah.Stop ripping off of Harry Potter.you're a biter.  
  
Medea: No.I'm not ripping off of Harry Potter, and.you're a biter! You stole a word from the list of my "Top Ten Most Frequently Used Words!"  
  
Miracle: Your life is a tangled web of lies.  
  
Medea: Why don't you just go away and write your fanfic like you're supposed to!  
  
Miracle: No, I think I'll just stay.I'll be quiet I promise.*halo appears over Miracle's head*  
  
Medea: *Glares at Miracle* As I was saying.  
  
I arrived at Hogwarts, and was taken into a special room. It had long purple drapes, and pretty little pictures of dancing squirrels. I'm not quite sure why they were dancing, or how they got that way, but I wasn't quite sure why I was at Hogwarts in the first place. Why hadn't I been taken to the Salem Witches Institute? Wasn't I stuck up and American enough? Just as I was pondering those useless thoughts, a tiny woman about the size of my old My Size Barbie, stepped into the room. She had short red hair and looked middle-aged. I didn't want to tell her how old I thought she was though because sometimes middle-aged people don't like to be reminded, and besides, I didn't even know her.  
  
"Good evening Medea," she began, "I suppose you're wondering why you're here in the first place. I'm here to tell you. My name is Professor Mildew, and I teach Defense against the Dark Arts here at Hogwarts. You unfortunately received your letter late, and we give our utmost apologies for that. Anyways, you have been pre-sorted into Gryffindor, since that was the only house with enough space. I do say that you should have been in Hufflepuff, because everyone knows you're a little 'fraidy cat from America who shouldn't be here in the first place."  
  
On she went, until the dancing squirrels on the wall got tired and stopped dancing. Two hours later, I was finally allowed to go to my dormitory. And I literally mean mine. Like the train ride, there was no one there but me. So, I just played around and jumped on all the other beds because I got bored. The next day, being Sunday, I went to a strange place called "Diagon Alley" to buy my school supplies. Beats me why they called it that, some people are just weird, like this one girl I know at school named-  
  
Miracle: Hey! You can't name people! Remember? Medea isn't even your real name, I mean come on, if you were to name them, then you would just get in trouble, and wouldn't have any more friends, and-  
  
Medea: YOU CAN BE IN MY STORY OK! JUST CUT IT OUT!  
  
Miracle: k. *smirks*  
  
On I went to Diagon Alley, my annoying cousin by side-  
  
Miracle: Hey! Ooh! Shiny things! *wanders off somewhere*  
  
Medea: O well.I can just get another cousin *grins* on with the story.  
  
On I went to Diagon Alley, my first stop, Madame Malkin's Robes for all occasions. It was on my list thingy, cause they said I would get a dress code violation if I didn't have robes. That would really bite, because once I got one of those at my school, and then like, I had to wear someone's P.E clothes, and they really smelled-  
  
SuperHPgirl: Hey! Why aren't I in your story?!  
  
Medea: Hey Grace!!! Wait.you are now!  
  
SuperHPgirl: Shhhh!!!!!!! Mina, don't say my name!!!  
  
Medea: Wait! Don't say mine! What do you want me to call you then?!  
  
SuperHPgirl: Call me SuperHPgirl.a duh!!  
  
Medea: No way! That's too long to type!  
  
SuperHPgirl: Fine..erm.call me Lauren!  
  
Medea: Ok Larry!  
  
SuperHPgirl: No!!! It's Lauren!!!  
  
Medea: Ok Larry!  
  
SuperHPgirl: grrr..forget it!!!  
  
Medea: Ok!  
  
Miracle: Hey! What about me??  
  
Medea: I thought you wandered off somewhere to look at a shiny object!  
  
Miracle: I did! Look at it!! ::pulls out a glass eyeball:: It's like so.wow!  
  
Larry: Oooh!  
  
Medea: Ahhh!  
  
Miracle: Your name is Larry?  
  
Medea: yup!  
  
Larry: No.it's SuperHPgirl, Medea just refuses to call me that.  
  
Medea: Sure thing Larry!  
  
Miracle: I don't understand how Larry is derived from SuperHPgirl.Oh well!  
  
Medea: Wait a minute.this scene is getting too confusing.I might as well just skip it and go back to Hogwarts.  
  
Miracle: Oooh!!! Me wanna come!!!  
  
Larry: Me too!!  
  
Medea: I guess you can. you wanna be lame stuck up Americans in Gryffidor with me?  
  
Miracle & Larry: Sure!!  
  
Ok then, here we go.  
  
After all our "shopping" was done, we returned back to our dormitory, and received our schedules. School would be the next day, and our first class was potions with Snap.  
  
Miracle: Isn't it Snape?  
  
Medea: Nope.it says Snap here.  
  
Miracle: HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME!!!  
  
Larry: What?  
  
Miracle: Poor, poor, Professor Snape! A Professor with such dignity should not fall to such misfortune as a typo! O why, why must I be plagued with this despondency? ::begins to sob::  
  
Larry: Ok then.  
  
Medea: Hey Larry, you hungry?  
  
Larry: Yeah, kinda  
  
Medea: I think dinner's on right now, wanna go?  
  
Larry: Sure.  
  
:: Medea and Larry exit the room leaving Miracle to sob in a dark corner::  
  
The Next Day.  
  
Larry, Miracle, and I entered the dark and dreary dungeon. After a filling breakfast of Frosted Sugar O's coated in pure sugar with a sugary liquid center in each sugary bite, I was of course, in no mood to listen.  
  
"Welcome class," said the professor, "I trust that you all had a good holiday. If so, I'll make sure the rest of your school year will suck because that's what I do.I make your lives sad and full of anger. It pleases me to see you suffer. Are there any questions?"  
  
(Not) Surprisingly, one hand flew up into the air, undoubtedly my outlandish cousin Miracle.  
  
"Excuse me Professor Snape," she began, "I was just wondering were you learned that wonderful hairstyle of yours, it's quite stylish if you ask me!"  
  
The professor looked stunned at first, but his look of shock then faded into a large grin.  
  
"My stylist Vanessa did it for me, she works wonders with hair! I used to have so many split ends, and I was all like, 'O my gosh! I have so many split ends!' She of course fixed them. Talented girl if you ask me..."  
  
And so the lame and boring conversation between my estranged relative and our professor continued, all the while a short little blonde boy sitting in front shot dirty looks to my cousin, some nerdy looking kid in the back with messy hair and glasses finding difficulty to keep a straight face turned an odd shade of red, a girl with a bird's nest in her hair listened intently, and my friend Larry counted the number of ants crawling on her desk. Finally the class was over, and thanks to my cousin's stalling, we were let off without homework.  
  
Medea: Miracle.what were you doing?!  
  
Miracle: What? He's a nice guy if you get to know him.!  
  
Medea: You just met him! And everyone hates Snape!  
  
Larry: Yeah! He's a walking grease factory!  
  
Miracle: Hey-  
  
Just then, the little nerdy kid from our first class walked up to us and spoke to my cousin.  
  
"Great job! Even I couldn't have handled that better!"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"This morning, with Snape!"  
  
"That's Professor Snape!"  
  
Larry: I don't get it.  
  
Medea: Neither do I.who are you?  
  
The little nerdy kid had a look of amazement on his face.  
  
"You're serious? You don't know who I am?"  
  
Larry: Do you have a name? Because I do. and so does Medea and Miracle.  
  
Medea: Yup! This is Larry *points to Larry*  
  
Miracle: And I'm Miracle!  
  
Larry: It's Lauren! LAUREN! Get it through your head!  
  
Medea: I'm hungry! I want some pie!  
  
Larry: We're not talking about pie now! This is a pivotal point in your story Medea! Let Harry introduce himself!  
  
Medea: Ok.but after this I'm getting some pie.  
  
Miracle:.Right.you go and do that.  
  
The little nerdy looking kid seemed to be happy when we didn't know who he was-  
  
Miracle: Don't refer to him as 'the little nerdy looking kid' anymore! Just call him Harry!  
  
Medea: But I'm not supposed to know who he is!  
  
Larry: This would be a lot easier if we can just make all the characters know us!  
  
Medea: That's possible.  
  
Miracle: Yeah, but it wouldn't make any sense!  
  
Medea: And.  
  
Larry: Don't you understand Medea? You have to get over your writer's block and stop filling in the spaces with pointless conversations like this!  
  
Miracle: I've known her all my life.don't try to reason.  
  
Medea: Thank you! Now assuming that all the characters know us and we know them-  
  
Larry: Remember what Mr. G said about assuming? You make an a-  
  
Medea: No cussing in my story!  
  
Larry: But if our math teacher can say it then wh-  
  
Medea: No  
  
Larry: Bu-  
  
Medea: No  
  
Larry: Oh, all right...  
  
Miracle: Told ya.  
  
  
  
Miracle, Larry, and I walked to Gryffindor common room after a hard first day of school. We were greeted by the little nerdy kid- erm I mean Harry and his friend Hermoninny.  
  
Hermoninny: It's Hermione! Why can't anyone say my name??  
  
Medea: Say my name, say my name, when no one is around you say it if you want to.  
  
Larry: O gosh.now you've really got her started.  
  
Medea: Sorry, it's kind of instinct.  
  
Hermione: What? Singing that stupid Muggle song of yours?  
  
Medea: Hey! It's a perfectly good song if you ask me.!  
  
Hermione: Oh yeah? Well, no one's asking!  
  
Medea: Gosh.aren't you moody!  
  
Harry: You're so hurtful! ::runs out of room with face in hands::  
  
Miracle: What was that all about?  
  
Larry: I don't know.oh well, I guess it's just us girls now!  
  
Hermione: Well, actually Ron is supposed to be here too, but he's in the hospital wing.  
  
Larry: Why?  
  
Hermione: I think he sprained something.  
  
Miracle: Really? Doesn't Madame Pomfrey work really quick with small injuries like that?  
  
Hermione:.that's not the point! What we really need to do is go to the library!  
  
Medea: But why?  
  
Hermione: Because! I always go there!  
  
Medea: Okay.  
  
The four of us walked to the Library. It was really fun because I like walking places. Whenever my family goes out somewhere, I always ask them on the way coming back if I can walk up the hill, but then they like say no, because it's dark and I might hurt myself, but I really like walking up the hill 'cause it's like fun, and-  
  
Larry: Medea, you're doing it again.  
  
Medea: What?  
  
Larry: Going off subject is what. Can we just please get to the library?  
  
Medea: All right! All right! What's with this moody people in my story thing.  
  
Miracle: You're so hurtful!  
  
::everyone stops to stare at Miracle::  
  
Miracle: It was just a joke.jeez.  
  
Hermione: All right then.  
  
Medea: Why do you always sound smarter than me!?  
  
Hermione: Hmmm.let's think about this.maybe because.I AM!  
  
Medea: Oh yeah! Well, if you were so smart you wouldn't need to think about you being smarter than me because it would already be in you head!  
  
Hermione: Right.  
  
After much arguing, we all arrived at the library. We took a seat at Hermione's normal table.  
  
Larry: Hey look! Isn't that Ron and Harry?  
  
The rest of us turned around, only to see that Larry's loud outburst proved correct.  
  
Hermione: SHHH! Not so loud! This is a library!  
  
Larry: But it is!  
  
Hermione: Oh all right! We'll say hello to them!  
  
Miracle: We never said we wanted to say hi to them.  
  
Hermione: I already said we're going to go! Stop asking!  
  
Medea: You're really strange you know that?  
  
Hermione: Look who's talking!  
  
Medea: You were, but like, now I am, so erm.I don't know who is.  
  
The four of us got up and started walking again, this time to Harry and Ron.  
  
Harry: Hi everyone! Ron and I were just discussing our next adventure!  
  
Ron: Does it really matter in this life? Who says it does? What about our next lives, or the ones after that? I just don't understand.  
  
Harry: We were planning to break into the Slytherin common room!  
  
Miracle: But.why?  
  
Hermione: Sure!  
  
Miracle: You still haven't answered my question.  
  
Ron:. What is life? Is it a dream? Are we all just mere characters in the dreams of a greater force? And if so, are they also a dream? And if they are, who dreams them?...  
  
Medea: I'm up to it! I heard that they have pie.I like pie!  
  
Larry: ::shakes wrist:: I think I need a new watch.  
  
Miracle: Erm.that was random.  
  
Harry: What are we waiting for? Let's go!  
  
Miracle: But how?  
  
Hermione: Stop asking questions!  
  
Miracle: Hey, why do we even hang out with you anyway?  
  
::crickets chirp::  
  
Harry: To the common room with us!  
  
And so, we all proceeded to walk to the Slytherin common room-  
  
Larry: What's with all the walking!! My legs hurt! I'm tired! I'm hungry! Where's my wallet!  
  
Ron: Do you even need a wallet? In the next life, material items won't matter will they? Or will they? I don't have much money, but I live a pretty decent life. But still, what if I never live again? Do we really exist then? What happens to those who have passed on? Do they still exist? What if we're all ghosts of ourselves? Then what are we?...  
  
We finally arrived at the door, and with a tap of her wand, Hermione opened it.  
  
Miracle: But how? But why? I don't understand!  
  
Ron: You and me both, my sister. We must all come together to understand this "world" that we all have been placed in.  
  
We entered the dark area and the once noisy atmosphere turned deadly silent.  
  
Malfoy: Well, well, well. What have we got here?  
  
Medea: I don't have anything, but I heard that you have pie! Can I have some??  
  
The mean and evil Slytherins burst into laughter-  
  
Miracle: What's with you people and your hatred of Slytherins?? I'm sure that they're as good and honest as the rest of us!  
  
Malfoy: Yeah Potter, why don't you listen to your little friend! She seems to be smarter than you!  
  
Hermione: Thank you! Finally someone appreciates my intelligence-  
  
Malfoy: Shut up Mudblood! I wasn't talking to you!  
  
Medea: Oh yeah! Well, you're evil and you smell and I own a piece of cheese smarter than you!  
  
Miracle: Hey!  
  
Medea: Not you stupid!  
  
Miracle: Why is everyone insulting me?  
  
Malfoy: You're so hurtful!  
  
Larry: What is with everyone and the "You're so hurtful" thing?  
  
Malfoy: My father said not to let meanies like you get me down because ::grabs mirror out of pocket:: I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!  
  
Harry: No they don't Malfoy, I couldn't hate you more! Why don't we sing a song about hating Malfoy! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Lalalala.  
  
Ron: We should all live in peace and learn to love one another as equals. For we are all human, brothers and sisters who bleed the same blood.  
  
Miracle: Am I the only one who notices that there is something wrong with Ron? Seriously people, he's not like this all the time, is he.?  
  
Ron: Come sister Miracle, let us spread the peace to all who find it needed.  
  
::Ron and Miracle leave the room::  
  
Larry: This is getting weird.  
  
Crab: You tellin me seester!  
  
Larry: Hey! You're a crab!  
  
Crab: Andz your point ees?  
  
Larry: I'm outta here.  
  
Medea: Oooh!! Pie! See! I knew that they had pie!  
  
And so we all parted ways, each with someone new to accompany us. Miracle and Ron. Larry and her crab. And me and my pie. So as the story ends, we all lived happily ever after until the next day, when Miracle told me to stop writing this stupid story because it's extremely lame and pointless.  
  
The End  
  
Like it? Great! There's a sequel! Mwahahahahaha!!!!  
  
Disclaimer: Hmmm...there was a lot of stuff that I don't own in this story. I do not own Cheetos, or the phrase, "I'm good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!" That belongs to Stuart Smalley, the host of SNL's "Daily Affirmation." I also don't own "You're so hurtful," which belongs to Misty of Moody's Point. I don't normally watch Nickelodeon, but sometimes I do because I hope to see a Harry Potter movie preview. SuperHPgirl says it comes a lot on that channel, but I think it comes more on the WB... anyhow, that's off subject. Oh yeah, I also don't own Larry, Miracle, or the Harry Potter characters, but I most certainly own myself. If there's anything else in here I don't own, I would like you to know that I don't own them! I hope that's enough, k bye!  
  
PLEASE REVIEW! (kindly!) 


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